Taking the Redeye Flight
In the movie, Tristram Shandy - A Cock and Bull Story, the pregnant wife and husband are off to London in a carriage. She looks uncomfortable and the husband says, it won't be long ... just two days to London! I shouldn't complain about an overnight flight and there are advantages such as being able to spend a full day at the destination but I'm getting older, wider and the planes, like my pants, seem to be getting smaller.
Due to planning differences, Frank and I did not fly together and for some reason my itinerary included a three-hour layover in Miami. I thought I had won the seat lottery because the plane was fully boarded and there was an empty seat next to me ... then a mother and child who had not preboarded waddled down the aisle and of course sat next to me. The only thing worse than a redeye flight is a redeye flight seated next to an adorable three-month infant. Luckily, my infant missed the "must cry" memo and gurgled and burped the entire flight ... unlike the ones three rows ahead who threw histrionics the entire flight. I'll state for the record iPods should be distributed for everyone seated next to a child. If you have to bend your legs in to an origami fold just to fit in the seat, one's ears should be protected and with a slight turn of the dial even the most obnoxious sounds can be drowned out to the sounds of one's personal selection of music. Baby crying? Play Jesus walks by Kanye West and the world is a better place.
Landing in Miami at 5:00 in the morning is not a pleasant experience. The cafes are not open. The bar is locked up and the remnants from the night before were still left on the tables. Workers were lounging and CNN was blaring in conjunction with the peppy music that would make a person crave a muzak filled elevator of sweating Russians. Time passed and finally the terminal came to life and with a cup of coffee it didn't feel like 4:00 in the morning PST. I arrived an hour before Frank and once he got off the plane we headed to Alamo.
Alamo - Home of the Self-esteem
People should not be perky early in the morning and this rule should have consequences to those in the service industry. Perky drivers who disorient and ask question on the way to the rental car lot should be reprimanded. I don’t know that I will be lost. I don’t know why Alamo and National are in the same location. I don’t want to have a pleasant day. I just don’t care. If I have questions, I’ll ask. Cranky? Maybe. I know, I know. If given the choice between a grump and a chipper person, I’m inclined to go with the grump; they tend to work in silence.
Now, I will compliment Alamo for having more than an adequate number of staff available to service the line. We raced through the queue and then met Pam, who has my mother beat in the guilt trip. Don’t you want to upgrade to a larger SUV? It’s only $45.00 more for the entire weekend? You’re big. I’m sure you will be more comfortable. We said no. We are tall but there seems to be a trend with people feeling free to comment. I mean do they see short people and state, “An SUV? Wouldn’t you feel more comfortable in a Mini-Cooper?”
Pam would not take No for an answer. Did we want additional insurance? No? What if you were in a terrible accident? You would be responsible for the car. And since you are in such a small SUV … No thank you. Do you want the gas option? We’ll charge you a gazillion dollars if you don’t bring it back full. No? Are you sure about the SUV? Fine. Initial here and sign here. This indicates that you are fully responsible for any damages, bodily mutilation, my loss of commission and a smaller crown in heaven … if you make it. Good grief! Just get us our car so we can get out of here. I must have missed the “You are now entering Purgatory” sign. Pam asked a woman to bring our small SUV to the curb. She even came out from behind her station to make another comment. Whoever beat her as a child should be punished, but seriously lady, LET IT GO. The car only looks small next to us!
On the RoadOur little SUV was not up to the Texan standard of vehicles but more than adequate for two people making a 90 mile trip to Orlando. Following our mapquest directions we took a few side roads and found that for $40,000 we could purchase our dream single-wide trailer! I think the cost of living might be a bit more affordable than San Francisco where I don’t think you could buy a closet for the same price.
It was an enjoyable little trip. Orange groves. Cracker Barrel restaurants every 20 minutes and of course some of the funkiest cars held together by duck tape I’ve ever seen. To be fair we were not staying in Orlando proper but the strip mall, tourist outlets, chain restaurants, and traffic put a damper on the notion of buying a piece of the dream. Besides, trailers tend to attract the ire of God when he’s sending hurricanes out to take out the ugliness in the world.
Of course, this might be why there is the Holy Land Experience (www.holylandexperience.com) where you can "Visit Jerusalem in Orlando!" We might have trailer parks but we also have Jerusalem! I just want to sigh a collective "OY VEY" and get over it. It's fun. It's interactive and you can enjoy a Goliath Burger and shop! Because after watching Christ get whipped and die in the interactive musical, who doesn't want to shop. Fun for the entire family and a great way to spend the day during Gay Days at Disney ... you and the Baptists can wrestle over theology!
Hotel Meridian
The Hotel Meridian was a bargain. It was not like staying on property but for $60 bucks a night, a king size bed, a toaster over, who are we to complain? I mean who doesn't carry a loaf of bread with them, just in case they have a craving for toast in the middle of the night? Besides, we were given one of the best rooms in the place … the handicapped room. Oddly enough, the shower did not have a rim on it. I assume this was designed for a person in a wheelchair, which neither of us had. The lack of a rim created a puddle in the bathroom which I would assume could be hazardous for someone not too stable on their feet. It was clean. There was a carb-fest breakfast offering every morning and really bad coffee. Heaven.
The Forbidden City
We had lunch at Smokey Bones, the perfect place for those with A.D.D. At each table there was speaker which could be tuned to any of the TVs mounted around the room. It’s like eating at home, except the waiter gets pissy when you don’t choose to start drinking cocktails (famous or not) at 11:00 in the morning. So, we decided that for dinner we would try to not to eat at a chain restaurant. We consulted our family guide and head to Orlando. Apparently the guide was out of date and after driving up and down the block opted for The Forbidden City. Hmm. Big Mark used to comment on Asian restaurants that you could always tell the caliber of a restaurant by two things. First, if they have picture menus … avoid. Second, check out the bathroom. If the bathroom is scary … avoid. There were no pictures and I forgot to check the bathroom, besides the staff was very friendly. We took the recommendation of the chief and it tasted, no, it didn’t taste. Blah. It was filling and then I checked out the bathroom. You decide, should we have stayed? Next time, I'll remember the rules.
Note: If you click on the image you can see the full beauty of the room in detail like the paper on the floor behind the toilet, the stains on the wall (Frank claims it is the wallpaper, but I'm not convinced).
